How to Choose a Memoir Theme

Let’s start at the very beginning, which I have heard is a very good place to start. To understand not only how to choose a theme for your memoir, you must understand why you need a theme for your memoir in the first place.

Does an autobiography need a theme? No. But aren't autobiography and memoir the same thing? No.

With my tongue firmly in my cheek, I blame bookstores for this confusion. I say this because bookstores, be they brick and mortar or online, lump memoirs and autobiographies together. Physically and conceptually, the two categories are joined at the hip. More than a handful of people have argued with me that the distinction is strictly semantic.

It is not.

Memoir Versus Autobiography—Again

If you hope to write a proper memoir, you must understand the core difference between memoir and autobiography:

An autobiography is the story of a life.

A memoir is a story from a life.

Memoirs often emerge from diaries or journals. Many memoir teachers I see online encourage you to use your diary or journal for this very reason. Other memoirists and teachers don’t approve of this. Here is my opinion, for what it’s worth: Do not structure a memoir to coincide with your journal entries. Remember, a memoir is not an autobiography. You should not attempt to document the whole of your life or even a large chunk of your life, which will be the tendency if you use a journal as a template.

The key to writing a really good memoir is to identify a really good theme that runs through some aspect of your life and focus solely on that.

What is a theme? Why is identifying one necessary? And how do I do it?

I’ll begin by quoting memoir teacher extraordinaire, Marion Roach Smith:

A memoir is not about you. It’s about something and you are its illustration.

A memoir is a story about something you know after something you’ve been through.

Let that first sentence sink in. “A memoir is not about you.” The best memoirs reveal how the writer changes as a person. Stories of transcendence.

Understanding Memoir Theme

Stories of transcendence? Like what? To begin to understand theme, first consider these generic theme categories:

• Accepting change

• Dealing with loss (job, marriage, friendship) or death

• Examining a career

• Surviving a dysfunctional family

• Overcoming a physical, mental, or emotional obstacle

• Triumphing over poverty or discrimination

Theme is a tough concept for first-time memoirists to wrap their heads around.

How do you know what might be a good theme for your memoir? Ask yourself these questions:

• Is there an episode in my life that changed me or altered my life’s path?

• Is there a person who significantly altered my life, personally or professionally?

• Was there a life event that haunts me and I can’t stop thinking about it?

• Have I experienced something traumatic/painful and found a way to rise above it?

As if identifying a theme for your memoir isn’t hard enough, let me throw another wrench in the works: You should be able to summarize your theme in one sentence that answers the question, “What is it about?”

Really, how is this possible, you ask? You have read the list of generic categories above. To help you conceptualize theme, here are some examples of specific, single-sentence memoir themes, which I totally made up:

• It’s about how my mother’s death from lung cancer at a young age caused me to quit smoking and become an anti-tobacco advocate. (It’s not about your mother’s death; it's about what you did with that experience to better the lives of others.)

• It’s about how becoming an empty-nester led me to open an art supply store and return to my love of painting. (It’s not about your kids leaving home and your sense of uselessness; it’s about how you found yourself again and gave your life new purpose.)

• It’s about a four-year slice of my life after my wife’s death during which I learned there is a silver lining to grief. (It’s not about your wife dying and your grief; it’s about opening your eyes and heart to new opportunities and relationships.)

• It’s about the year that one remarkable music teacher taught me to play the piano and put me on a path to a career as a composer. (It’s not about learning to play piano; it’s about how a caring teacher showed you a way to express beauty and thrill others through music.)

Final Thought

As I have said before in other blog posts, if you don’t have a clearly defined theme—which serves as a map on your memoir journey—you can find yourself wandering aimlessly throughout the entirety of your life. With a clearly defined theme—the lesson you learned from the experiences of your life—your writing stays on track and will impart to your readers the life lessons you want to share with them.

In addition to working as a nonfiction and creative nonfiction editor and writing coach, I am co-author, with Dr. Terri Lyon, of the book Make a Difference with Mental Health Activism: No activism degree required—use your unique skills to change the world. Visit my website page Make a Difference and Dr. Lyon’s activism website Life At The Intersection to learn more about Make a Difference, including how to place bulk orders.

Writing About Trauma: What Memoir Is and Isn’t

I have done a deep dive into memoir for the past couple of years. As a freelance editor, I chose memoir, a subcategory of creative nonfiction, as my niche specialty because I was enthralled by the idea of helping people tell fascinating stories from their lives that would inform and inspire.

As an editor, once I get past explaining the difference between memoir and autobiography—autobiography is a story of a life; memoir is a story from a life—my experience has been that prospective memoir writers ask a variety of questions that largely fall into two categories:

1. Getting sued: Can I get sued for talking badly about someone, even if it’s true?

2. Writing about trauma: I have experienced a lot of pain/trauma/abuse. How much detail should I go into?

Regarding the legal liability associated with writing a memoir, let me refer you to a blog post of mine, Memoir and Law: Understanding Defamation and Invasion of Privacy. I wrote this article because worries about libel and other legal matters seem to dominate the conversations in memoir writing groups. I’m not going to elaborate on this subject any further here. Just check out the blog post.

The second topic, addressing trauma and pain, is brought up often, as well. Since I have never written about this, that’s what this article focuses on.

Understand the Purpose of Memoir

Let’s start by defining what a memoir is, to get a true understanding of its purpose. Using the words of author and memoir-expert Marion Roach Smith.

Memoir is not about what you did.

Memoir is about what you did with it.

Take a minute or two to think about these statements because understanding the distinction is key to knowing when the time is right for you to write a memoir.

Here is another of Roach Smith’s teachings that I’ve quoted before.

A memoir is a story about something you know after something you’ve been through.

A writer’s ability to comprehend this description is vital to produce a memoir about a person readers will come to empathize with and root for—you.

Memoir Is Not a Bummer Genre

A criticism often slapped onto memoir is that it is a trauma-based genre, all about pain, heartache, abuse, disappointment, failure, bad judgment, and missed opportunities. And, sadly, the book market is chock full of memoirs that bear out that criticism. Those winners of the Trauma Olympics give the genre a bad name and frighten many readers away.

Folks, the fact is, great memoir is more than the documentation of traumatic experiences. Period. If that’s all you’ve got—"Something terrible happened to me and I want to write about it”—you are not ready to author a memoir. Please hear me out.

Here are what a few memoir authors and editors have to say:

[A memoir] must be about something of universal interest that this person [the subject of the memoir] illustrates. ~~Marion Roach Smith

[Memoir] works when there is distance between what you experienced and your self-understanding, which is more important than simply recalling the experiences. ~~Dena Taylor, May 2014, shewritespress.

The now perspective is what makes memoir different from fiction; you explain how the story shaped you by weaving together the then and now. ~~Cindi Michael, December 2016, Writer’s Digest. (I talked about the importance of having a now in your memoir in my guest blog post for The Cheerful Word, Most Common Memoir Writing Mistakes.)

Memoir is about transcendence. You have learned from your experience and you are sharing what you learned. ~~Marion Roach Smith (Yes, again. She’s the queen.)

How Much Is Too Much?

This is the question. Some budding memoirists seem to think that they must drag readers through every second of whatever horrible experiences they have endured. They ask, “How can the reader possibly understand what I’ve been through if I don’t spell it out in explicit detail?” Well, give the readers some credit; skillful writing can transfer a plethora of detail subtly. Strive for intimation not information. Sentences that hint at and insinuate trauma can be more powerful and haunting than those that bludgeon our sensibilities.

And, here again, remember, the purpose is not to document your trauma, but to share the healing and insight you have arrived at.

I Have Nothing but Pain

Memoir writing is not therapy. A memoir is not a therapeutic journal. Simply re-living painful events in your life and calling it a memoir is not helpful to you nor is it a source of comfort or inspiration to a reader. Immersing yourself and the reader in the awful details of a traumatic event does not make for good reading, especially if there is no “But here’s what I learned and how I have transcended this experience” moment.

Think of it this way—you are the main character of your story. A novel that ends with the main character failing to have an “a-ha” moment, not developing courage and self-awareness, and never making something good come from something bad would be a pretty shitty novel.

What Else Can I Do?

A memoir is not how you work through trauma. But writing about trauma is an excellent way to get it in perspective and begin to move forward. If you are still grappling with a painful event, still in the grips of the hurt and confusion of it, work through your feelings by journaling, writing a series of personal essays, or starting a personal blog.

When you get to a point of self-realization and self-esteem—and you will—turn that insight into a memoir that serves as an inspiration to others.

In addition to working as a nonfiction and creative nonfiction editor and writing coach, I am co-author, with Dr. Terri Lyon, of the book Make a Difference with Mental Health Activism: No activism degree required—use your unique skills to change the world. Visit my website page Make a Difference and Dr. Lyon’s activism website Life At The Intersection to learn more about Make a Difference, including how to place bulk orders.

Memoir and Law: Understanding Defamation and Invasion of Privacy

NOTE: This article is not meant to take the place of professional legal counsel. The author is not a lawyer and has never been through the process of a defamation or invasion of privacy lawsuit.

From the moment your manuscript starts to take shape, you will feel a sense of purpose. You will share stories from your life that provide genuine value for the readers; stories that honor, inspire, encourage, and heal.

You’re writing and making progress. You feel empowered and you tell everyone what you’re doing, what you’re writing about. And it’s all dandy until some killjoy says, “Be careful you don’t get sued.”

Oh, criminy! That’s a cold shot. Is getting sued for a memoir even a legitimate possibility?

“But it’s all true,” you say. “How can I get sued if it’s true? Anyway, I can write whatever I want—it’s my memoir, my story.”

The fear of a lawsuit can keep people from writing their memoirs or, at least, keep them from writing the story they really want to tell. Lawsuits against memoirists are a sad reality, one you want to avoid at all costs. You might have questions at this point.

As a memoirist, what can I be sued for?

How can I tell my story honestly without tempting a lawsuit?

What legal liability am I willing to risk with my memoir and is that risk worth it?

What precautions can I take to avoid a lawsuit?

Let’s get started.

Understanding Defamation and Invasion of Privacy

What are the legal ramifications of writing about another person in a bad light? After all, you are revealing things about others in your memoirs they might not want revealed and would not choose to reveal on their own. What could you be sued for? The two forms of legal liability a memoir author needs to be concerned with are defamation and invasion of privacy. First, I’ll define them. Then I’ll discuss how to avoid such lawsuits.

Defamation

By definition, defamation is someone’s claim that something you said or wrote about them is untrue, and that this brought loss, pain, or harm to them in some way—their finances, job, reputation, or relationships. There are two forms of defamation. When you defame someone by speaking falsely about them, it’s slander. When you defame someone in writing, it’s called libel. As a memoirist, you should be concerned with libel.

These are the best ways to avoid a defamation lawsuit:

· Tell the truth. Don’t fabricate. Don’t exaggerate.

· Get consent first. Prior consent is your suit of armor again a defamation claim.

· Make the claim confidently if the information is a matter of public record, such as military, employment, or criminal records.

· Confirm that witnesses will step forward to corroborate your story.

It’s not always possible to get consent (for example, the person cannot be found, refuses to comply, or disagrees with your allegations). If you know your truth, don’t let this stand in your way. Make sure to read the section titled “Ways to Legally Protect Yourself.”

If you are uncertain about the legal liability of what you have written, seek professional legal counsel.

Invasion of Privacy

Invasion of privacy is known as “the right to be left alone.” Many memoirists are familiar with defamation and worry most about this when writing a memoir. But, in truth, invasion of privacy might be the more concerning legal issue. Here’s why.

Unlike defamation, with an invasion of privacy claim it does not matter whether the statements made in the memoir are true. That’s right—every word can be undeniably true and a privacy lawsuit can still be filed. There are four elements of such a lawsuit.

An otherwise non-public individual (i.e., not a celebrity, politician, or public figure) has a right to privacy from:

1) intrusion (intentional) on one's solitude or into one's private affairs;

2) public disclosure of embarrassing private information;

3) publicity which puts him/her in a false light to the public; and

4) appropriation of one's name or picture for personal or commercial advantage.

Generally, for the plaintiff (the injured party) to prove invasion of privacy, all four of these elements must be established. (I say generally because this requirement varies from state to state.)

Of these four elements, #2 is the most damning in a privacy claim and the one I found the most difficult to explain here. A successful invasion of privacy claim depends on proving that you have revealed facts not related to public concern, that is, a public disclosure of private facts.

To further complicate the matter, states define public concern differently, but one characteristic that applies across the board is newsworthiness. Is the disclosure newsworthy? For it to be newsworthy, it is something the media are likely to find interesting enough to write about or broadcast. This is typically the case when the disclosure is about something illegal, salacious, or against human decency.

Therefore, a defense against this claim will depend on arguing a legitimate public concern. This can take a number of forms. In some cases, the fact that a publisher chose to publish the book has been enough to show a legitimate public interest. Also, courts have tended to rule in favor of an individual’s right to tell their own stories, even when they contain salacious or distasteful allegations. But this is not a given.

As with libel, consent is the ultimate defense against a claim of invasion of privacy. Consent can be written or spoken, explicit or implied. (Implied? If you tell someone you are recording them for a memoir and they let you, it will be difficult for them to later claim that your memoir invaded their privacy.)

If you are uncertain about the legal liability of what you have written, seek professional legal counsel.

IMO

By the way, you cannot be sued for simply stating your opinion about someone. If you say you felt bullied by your older siblings and they made you feel stupid as you were growing up, they might not ever speak to you again, but they can’t sue you. That’s one of those trade-offs that must be your decision.

What (or Who) Do You Risk Losing?

Are you prepared for the personal or professional consequences of stories in your memoir? Family members, ex-spouses, partners, friends, co-workers, or bosses are just some of the “characters” in a memoir who might take offense at what you have written about them and, subsequently, cut ties. Are the stories, the quotes, and the revelations worth it?

To help decide, you might ask yourself: Why is the person in the book? Based on the story I am telling, is the inclusion of the person and their actions necessary to the story? How would the story change if I left them out?

Ways to Legally Protect Yourself

You don’t want to get sued. If you are working with a publisher, they don’t want to get sued either. So how can you write the memoir you want to write without this happening? Nothing is foolproof, but here are the most effective techniques:

· Get consent. Whenever you can, get permission before you record, interview, or write about someone. The same is true if you are using letters, photos, or other materials created by others. It might not always be possible to get someone’s consent. If it’s not, consider the other techniques.

· Alter identifying information: such as names, places, genders, professions, and distinguishing characteristics (tattoos, scars, height, etc.). Changing information to protect privacy is an acceptable practice for memoir writers.

· Use a pseudonym. Also called a pen name, this can add another layer of protection.

· Consider your motives. I’ve said it before, do not write a memoir seeking revenge or hoping to do harm to someone’s reputation. A memoir is not the way to get even and an honorable publisher won’t touch it anyway.

· Verify your facts. Memories can falter. Research public records, talk to others who were a part of your story, review your own letters, pictures, and journals to confirm information as thoroughly as possible. Writing a memoir is no time to be hasty and careless.

· Ask yourself, how would you feel if someone wrote these stories about someone you love? If the thought bothers you, reconsider what you are writing.

· Add a disclaimer. Every memoir includes a disclaimer in the front material of the book. Publishers do so routinely. Read about the legal controversy surrounding the memoir Running with Scissors by Augusten Burroughs. He was sued for invasion of privacy and lost. There was an undisclosed monetary settlement and Burroughs had to call Running with Scissors a book, not a memoir, and was ordered to include a disclaimer.

If your have a difficult story to tell in your memoir, tell it! Write your story down as you remember it: what happened, what was said, how did the experience shape you? Live your truth through your memoir. Seek legal guidance later. There will be time.

In addition to working as a nonfiction and creative nonfiction editor and writing coach, I am co-author, with Dr. Terri Lyon, of the book Make a Difference with Mental Health Activism: No activism degree required—use your unique skills to change the world. Visit my website page Make a Difference and Dr. Lyon’s activism website Life At The Intersection to learn more about Make a Difference, including how to place bulk orders.